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Being abandoned is totally sucks. I used to do everything with this one friend. And we were so loyal. We shared our dreams and stories. We decided everything together,and thought about everything together. I feel so
safe beside him and I feel like I can face anything in this world when I was with him. I could be just me without pretending to be someone else beside him because he used to love me for who I am. And he even laughed and smiled and loved to something that I consider as my lack of personalities. He made feel so special and the dumbest thing I used to believe that I was special for him. Until one day,I feel like everything is about to change. The conversation is getting colder and I feel like he always making space between us. I still love him the same til now. I know it because I remember him not when I’m alone or sad. I remember him when I was in the middle of the crowd and I was busy doing something,but I feel so alone and I miss him. I miss his company. Because you know I don’t need to try at all in front of him. I could just say anything that I want,do anything that I want,and being me in front of him. But I guess that’s the reason we ended up like this now. I keep blaming my self.
Maybe this is the reason I feel so empty because I’m not being who I’am like I used to do. And I keep hanging out with many people just to spend the time without really enjoy it because I feel like something is missing. I keep telling my self that everything is okay,because this will be the only way to survive,lying to my own self. It seems like I don’t want to go anywhere without carrying him because he used to be the big part of my existence and my decision. Being attached with someone is dangerous. Moreover,putting your happiness in someone’s existence is totally dangerous. Because we will never know. It doesn’t matter how close we are with them,they still could go and leave you like it was nothing. Because they just human. We are human. Human’s heart is totally unpredictable and so irrelevant to hold on and trust because we have that kind of something that always changing. Yes it is,we have to admit that people always changing. I guess people have their own time limits in our life and surely,one day they will go,even the death will separate us tho.
It’s okay to be with someone else but I guess we need to keep space and distance between them. I mean,don’t let them 100% being a part of your life because you will regret to be that open to someone else when they’re not in your life anymore. Just you know,keep hanging out with them,enjoy your time limit with them,but don’t give all of you,like your strength,your love,your sympathy,and the most important,YOUR TRUST to them. I know it sounds so pathetic but this is the only way to prevent from feelings of being abandoned. Just live your life,but don’t live your expectation. Trust me,they will kill you.
I know my writing sounds so desperate. But this is how life works,according to me. I don't believe in true love. I don't give a shit about it. I know it sounds harsh,but that is what life has shown me and shaped me to be a stronger person right now. The hardest way is not surviving,but keeping the hope alive when the rest has died.
We were something that end up with nothing. I guess it just the way it is. I try to fix it but something will never works if there's only one side who make efforts. Beside,everything that already broken will never back like before. Especially,your heart.
All I can wish is just,he will find what he wants and also find someone who will love him for being him,just like me.
April 13th,2018.
p.s. Don't drown yourself in sadness,just try to let go and everything will such a relief. The only person who can help you is yourself.
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BalasHapus