that girl and her feelings. // SHORT STORY

Source: https://favim.com/image/4244822/

Hi guys. It's 2 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I keep repeating HONNE's song on my playlist and wishing it would be my lullaby but it doesn't work. My mind just so full of thoughts and that makes me sick. So here I am. Trying to talking with somebody because I will consider that all of my friend is already slept.

So do you know what's stuck on my mind? Everything. This circumstances.
I'm 17 years old right now and turning 18 in a couple months. But do you know that I've never been in a serious relationship? Well,I know maybe all of girls in this age would never had that serious relationship. But what I mean is,I never had
a boyfriend.

I won't tell you those tragic and pretty sad things that happened to me before. But I don't know why,it just so hard for me to chill with some boys or to go out with them without over thinking,I just can't be the real me in front of them. I'm totally that stiff.

But it will be a different story if since the start we're just friend. I could be a really cool and funny friend for you,include boys. But when it comes to love..I fall too deeply until I can't think a single word in front of them.
Well,actually,I have a big crush to my class mate in 8 grade (when I was 13) or when I was in Junior High School,and it keep going on until right now,I guess. We're totally good friend. And I'm pretty sure that he knows my feelings. Because all of my friend already told him. But,he seems not interest at all. Well I know that my close friends forced him to gave me surprise in my 15 birthday,and he made it. I was so happy until I feel like I can fly. But right now I realized that he did it just because we're good friend.

Right now,we're not going to the same school anymore,but his school is next to my school,yeah we're still in one neighborhood. So I often meet him. In any kind situation,because our school is really close,we even have the same gate. But every time I met him,I could never say any single word. Just like what I said before,I could be the most stiff person when it comes to love. I can't think anything. My brain is full of a blank space when I see his eyes,or his smile. Because until right now,I can't deny that my heart still beating so fast until it feels so hard to breath when I met him. But I don't even know why,he never greet me too. I was wondering if he greet me first,I won't be that stiff to greet him back. Hmm,but what I feel is totally nothing for him tho.

I don't even know what happen to my self. I don't want to feel this way forever. And I believe that one day I will feel nothing for him. But seriously? It's been 3 years and I still have this feeling for him. At first,I thought this feeling won't last this long,I thought this feeling is not that serious. But I have to admit that this feeling is getting bigger every single day. This feeling (if we can say this is love) gives me so much strength. Whenever I have a bad day or something bad happen to me,I will think of him,and everything is getting better. Because when I remember him,I could have a little spirit and hope. Even though he never talked to me anymore.

This thing is just the way too weird and it scares me. I don't want to be that girl who always waiting for him even though when I already knew so well that he will never see my presence as something worth it. My love for him is just..meaningless..
I want to be a normal girl who could fall in love and to be loved. I want to be someone's number one.
I see a lot of couple in my ages,every where and every corner. Sometimes,this circumstances makes me feel so lonely and worthless.

Actually I tried to talk to him via chat a couple times,well,I never did this to anyone except him. He replied it. But our conversations never long lasting. Because in his eyes,I'm nothing more than just a friend.

Of course,I tried to talk with other guys,my classmate or someone that my friend suggest to,but it never works. It just never feels the same like what I feel for him.

It feels like whenever I tried to walk away,I stumble. Even though he never done anything to me,I just can't forget him. Maybe we don't have much memories to be remembered. But,I have so much memories about him. He brings me warm in a really cold night. He makes me believe that I could do whatever I wanna do. Just thinking of him,I feel so safe. Maybe my love is just the way too pure. But I can't stay this way forever. And I wish I can over this feeling. I want to feel what other girl feels when someone she love give her hug,give her kiss,and give her his hand when she needs help.

Well,but my path is still so long I guess. I will attend college,and I'm pretty sure I could find someone who give me those atmosphere. I just need to wait a little longer. And I won't be the one who chase over someone. I wish.
Maybe I failed in first love,but first love is always fail,right?
I will consider it as a puppy love that will not lasting forever. So yeah. I'm still the way too young and beautiful to feel worthless and unwanted. I believe that I could find some happiness. Maybe tomorrow,or someday.
But However,I will thank him for make me feel this way. I will thank to God for give me a chance to experience such thing like this.
I will always wish all the best for you.

Sincerely,
That girl.


P.S: 
JUST TO REMIND YOU... 
This is just a short story that I wrote. It's fictional. But if you consider it as a real story of mine,I won't blame you tho. lol.